The delay in my writing has been a fall which resulted in a broken, upper arm, in a few places. Two weeks now and doing well. I have had no depressive reaction which could have been the case. I would have done the self- blaming thoughts, anger etc. My daily life has had to change. No training, not much gardening. Gardening and training are important activities for me. My days have no distractions ( i don’t have T.V.) I can’t rush at all.
My focus is my re-hab day by day. I realise in someways I was doing this before when i was wanting to be emotionally well. I worked out that no one but me was going to get me out of the ‘hole’. I had to take action. Back then, Aikido was the first plan so i could defend myself.The training helped me focus on something else, even if it was only for 2 hours. That 2 hours was a window of freedom. Freedom from negative thinking. It was physical movement. When I was a girl I wanted to be a dancer but I was told I was to heavy footed. Aikido is like dance. I often say depression is suppression. Suppression of self, who you truely are.
After 25 years practice, my Aikido training is coming in handy; focus, practice, everyday I try to do something new. I watch my arm slowly getting more movement. I can watch Aikido on line. I have my gee hanging in the bedroom so i see it every day. I dream being back at training. I practice the foot work.
When I was experiencing depression I could never see a future. Even doing Aikido during those early years I didn’t even imagine I would be a black belt. Grades just happened because I kept at it. I really get the way of practice these days.
I am also meditating twice a day for longer periods. I began meditating in 2000. It suits me, I need quiet time, it is a part of me, and relaxtion /stillness helps my body heal. I have also found that meditation will bring to the surface any old buried emotion. For me i think the depression i experienced was also buried pain from the past.
That’s it for now, off to do my exercises for my arm (5x a day)