On Sunday at my local cafe I got talking with the couple next to me. The man shared he had depression. A great conversation between us developed such refreshing , inspiring, honesty from them both.
During my years of depression one of the things I suffered was isolation. Already feeling bad in myself alientated, silenced mixed with shame which added to the mix of panic attacks, anxiety, social anxiety, mood swings, lack of confidence and self worth it was awful.
Sometimes I would get into a panic state just trying to decide what to where in the morning. I would get anxious when people came to visit. I felt ashamed because my home might not be seen as perfect. The internal voice I had, lived constantly inside me with self put downs, judgments tinged with “why don’t you kill yourself, you are no good to anyone”. Phew I feel emotional just writing this.
The conversation with the couple got me thinking. How rare it is that 3 strangers at a cafe share a heart felt conversation. ( it is rare anywhere). I told them that I had not had any symptoms for 14 years, as I said this I tapped the wooden table. I was offically diagnosied with complex post traumatic stress disorder. When I read the psychologists report at the time, I cried because it stated that I would always experience some symptoms for the rest of my life. However, something stirred in me; I have been known to be a stroppy woman.(My husband say’s it is because I am a red head ). In amongst the tears and the life sentance I had been given I wanted to prove her wrong.
Sharing with another friend the other day who is a psycologist, I said” maybe I need to go back over my path and identify what has helped me.” He agreed.
This is why I am writing. I have a happy life these days. I am on the pension, morgage free, I work part time as a hypnotherapist. I am time free, what a gift. I garden , walk the dog, play with the Grandies. I get words flooding through my head, be interesting to feel what it is like to put them on electronic paper.
I am no expert; I have been through life traumas and grief. In fact I truly feel learning never stops and we are all our own experts. Experts in knowing what we need and who we are. I have not done my happiness journey alone. I have met helpful people on the way and I am an avid reader of self change. Self change began for me when I was twenty. I was introduced to Krisnamurti’s teachings. I met him when I was twenty two, he shook my hand, his eyes were like dark pools and now I relaise that was love.
Blogs are best kept short my story will continue.